Sarah Hammond: One of my favorite people

I just lost one of my favorite people, Sarah Hammond.  Others have written about her death already, including:

1. Provost of Wm. and Mary - http://www.wm.edu/news/announcements/2011/message-regarding-sarah-hammond.php
2. Sarah Brubaker - http://www.religiondispatches.org/dispatches/sarahmoricebrubaker/5451/in_memoriam%3A_sarah_hammond/
3. Linn Tonstad - http://usreligion.blogspot.com/2011/11/sarah-ruth-hammond-1977-2011.html
4. Mark Oppenheimer - http://markoppenheimer.com/front-page/i-miss-you-sarah-hammond.html

Sarah and I grew up just 20 minutes apart without knowing each other.  We met as undergrads at Yale, and for a while she was just an acquaintance.  What turned her into a dear friend was spending 9 hours in a car together driving from Yale home to Ohio.  She forgot to tell me she didn't know how to drive... so I was expecting her share the stress of driving.  I wasn't quite pleasantly surprised when we got in the car and she gingerly asked, "Oh, did I tell you I don't know how to drive?"  But we bonded hard on that trip anyways and have been good friends ever since.

I described Sarah the other day as smart, funny, and kind.  Thinking more about her, I'd add that she was also gentle, sweet, and very spirited.  She and I shared a love of the absurdity we see in society, and particularly from the political/religious right.  When she'd send out mass emails or post to Facebook, it would often be to share her delight at some new absurdity.  

At one time, her favorite absurdity was the bizarre game of Bladderball, a mid-20th-century Yale tradition involving lots of alcohol, a big crowd of students, and a huge inflatable ball.  I get the idea it was like a tug of war, but the war was for your group to control where the ball went.  The tradition ended abruptly in grand "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" fashion.  I don't know what the injury/injuries were that shut it down... but Sarah probably did.  Wikipedia cites "Yale bladderball historian Sarah Hammond" as a source for their article.

I pay attention to the Political/Religious Right, aka the Religious Wrong, aka the Christianists.  I'm talking about Focus on the Family, Exodus, WorldNetDaily, and all their ilk.  When I talked to Sarah, there was a lot I didn't have to spell out.  I could mention a name and she'd know who it was, because she knew all the players as well as I did.  (She also got the religious side of things much better than I did!)  We saw the same absurdity and hypocrisy, and we enjoyed the combined amusement and revulsion we both felt.

There's one other way we really connected, and it was more recent.  Like Sarah, I left a job hurting very badly.  Mostly it wasn't my fault, though of course I blamed myself more than I deserved.  I shouldn't have felt awful about myself over it, but I did.  Then I felt bad for being out of work, for not bouncing back fast enough emotionally or functionally, and for being financially dependent on someone else.  I was impatient with myself, perfectionistic, and ashamed.  Sarah went through all the same things when she left her teaching position in Germany and struggled to regain her balance.

We both prefer for people not to see us at our worst, and only to look at us when we can show them something good.  So I imagine she wasn't running around pouring her heart out about this to everyone she knows.  When we talked on the phone, I could tell she was hurting in ways I recognized.  So I talked about how I'd felt, and then she'd acknowledge feeling the same way.  I came to feel very protective of her because I could identify so closely with what she was going through.  And I was really happy for her when she seemed to be getting back in the swing of things with her new post at William and Mary.

I'm just confounded that Sarah - vibrant, talented, spirited, lovable Sarah - could reach the end of her life so early.  Since my rough spot a few years ago, my life has gone in directions I never predicted.  And I'm pretty happy with how it's come together.  But I could never have seen that the things I was doing would eventually all lead me to this.  I don't think Sarah had reached this point yet with her own struggles and unpredictable path.  I wish she'd had the time to see where it would lead.

I've caught myself fantasizing that things could have happened differently, and she'd still be here.  What if I'd been there for her at a key moment and in a position to help?  What if, what if, what if.  I know that's a bullshit line of thinking.  But at the same time, it's hard to accept that a tragedy like this happened and was so much beyond my control.  Among other things, that means another tragedy could come along.  At least if I thought I could have prevented it, I might feel some security that I wouldn't make the same mistake twice... and wouldn't ever experience such a painful mindfuck of a loss again.

I hope she's found peace.

I love her dearly.  

Classic maneuvers to avoid really dealing with hetero- and cis-sexism - part 2 of 2

Okay, I'm back with more of your favorite maneuvers for dodging conversations on heterosexism. If you missed part 1, you'll find it here.

Whipping Out The Best Friend

“Hey, I’m not a transphobe, OK? Some of my best friends are transsexuals. See?” Best Friend: “Yeah, he's practically one of us!”

The Infallible Resource

“Well I have a transsexual friend, and she says I'm allowed to say tranny, and you can't argue with that! No, I didn't know there are other takes on it. That doesn't make any sense, because trannies are automatically expert about tranny stuff. That's why if one of them says it's okay, I know I'm good. Case closed. Now that we've got that settled, want to come with me to protest the ex-gay conference? They trot out these gay people in front of the crowd, except they're all mixed up, and they tell everyone how homosexuality is evil and homophobia is Christian love.”

more across the jump...

Classic maneuvers to avoid really dealing with hetero- and cis-sexism - part 1 of 2

As a teacher, I've always wanted my students of social justice to understand how much one form of oppression resembles another. And I've always loved the blog post Sixteen maneuvers to avoid really dealing with racism by Holly at Feministe. Recently I read through it and thought about all the parallels for hetero/cissexism. And before I knew it, I'd translated the whole thing into queer terms. See if you recognize any of these classic defenses:

The Bootstrap Myth

“We're in a post-gay society. Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed, bisexuality is trendy among teenagers, and did you see where the president appointed a gay ambassador? We don't have to worry about anti-gay prejudice anymore. Anyone who works hard can make it in America. And if you struggle it's your own damn fault."

The Shining Example

"Look at me, I'm gay and I'm doing just fine. Look at Ellen, one of the most popular talk show hosts around. If we can do it, anybody can do it... because my/her experience is just like everybody else's."

more across the jump...

The real OY board

In my last post, I mentioned the OY board as I was imagining them. Well, today I remembered something about the real OY board, as opposed to the one I was imagining. The real board probably knows about an email I sent in 2009, the year I was fired. ("invited to resign")

Several months after I left OY, one of the board members ran into me at the Trans Day of Remembrance. Actually he'd already left the board, but I didn't know it. He's my age, friendly, upbeat. I didn't see him coming. He grabbed me from behind with both hands and rubbed my arms/shoulders as he exclaimed, "Matt!!! Good to see you, buddy!"

This was the only board member who'd said something so egregious behind my back that it ever got back to me...

My "no surprises" policy

At OY I invented an informal No Surprises policy. My idea was, communication should be open enough that there are no nasty surprises. So for example, if I was having a midterm meeting with a student intern and her university professor, I shouldn't have lots of criticism the intern had never heard before. I considered it my obligation to be up front with her when I had a problem, so we/she could address it, rather than holding onto some gripe and surprising her with it later on. If I hadn't been up front with her, I'd be in violation of the No Surprises policy.

Another example: If someone I manage messes up, I want to hear about it from them ASAP. If I find out a week later through the grapevine, because people are talking about the mess-up and related fallout, that's not cool.

Detour's Takeoff!

Well, I've been semi-public with Detour for a few weeks as I make the website flow the way I want. Just revised the whole Trips section. I'm about ready to roll it out as more than a Beta! That involves a lot of social networking, blah blah blah. Can hardly wait. Feel free to poke around the website and give me any praise or constructive feedback you have for me. Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter I wrote for myself, but to someone else

I often write things out to get my own ideas clear... or to work through emotional stuff. That's why I'm blogging. I've been watching Out Youth struggle through another existential crisis. I started writing about it. One of the things I wrote evolved into a letter to the OY Board of Directors - or at least, the Board as I imagine them.

I wrote it from the standpoint of wanting the current conflict to be resolved between all the stakeholders of OY. And it says something about how I imagine myself: not caught up in the conflict, and having a broader perspective that I worry they're missing.

I didn't send it to them. I don't know them or where they're at, so I didn't know whether it would help or hurt. But I sent it to the ED and asked her to share it with the Board if she thinks it could be helpful. If they can make some use of my writing, so much the better.

Strategically being yourself

So I mentioned in my last post the motto, "Fearlessly Be Yourself!" and my little variations on it. (e.g., "Fearlessly be yourself in community with others.") There's another variation I thought up, which is "Fearlessly be yourself, and be strategic about how you express yourself."

Being yourself - expressing yourself authentically - isn't always strategic, given whatever other goals you may have. For example, someone could say, "In the spirit of being myself, I've dyed my hair pink, and nobody'd better have a problem with it!"

Pink is awesome. Pink hair is awesome. If you want to get a job as a trustee at the Knickerbocker Bank ("They're so conservative, they don't pay any interest at all!"), it's not strategic. You might choose to stick with a more natural color, not because you're living in fear, but because that's the path to getting the job you've chosen.

And on the bank's side: They might outlaw pink hair, not because there's anything intrinsically wrong with pink hair, and not because they actively want to kill employees' individuality. Maybe they'd rather have pink hair themselves, all things being equal. They may have decided against pink only because they're trying to create a public image that will be most profitable for the bank. They've decided the value of pink hair as self-expression is outweighed by the higher profits they expect with a more traditional image. And they have every right to make that decision about how their organization presents itself. (As long as it doesn't get sexist, racist, etc.)

OY history

So Out Youth is in a crisis or disruptive transition or whatever you want to call it. Short story, they dismissed founder and longtime pillar of the organization, Lisa Rogers. I'm not worrying about the reasons for it, but about how people are reacting. It reminds me of what happened in 2005-6, when a new ED was hired and then both staff quit. As we all caught on to what was so rotten they'd quit over it, basically everyone basically rebelled against the leadership.

I don't know exactly what's happening at OY now. But Morgan's been blogging some about it at her blog, A Trip to the "Morg." It stirred up my memories, and I started telling stories about 2005-6. But now that I'm talking about that stuff, I'm not sure when I'll be able to stop. And I don't to treat Morgan's blog like my memoirs. (See my previous post, "On sharing space...")

So I'll be writing my stories here instead, in the blog I created last week, which now appears to have been wonderful timing. Here are the first two stories, copied from her comment threads. Any more will be separate posts.

On sharing spaces and being in community with others

I was talking with a close friend tonight. We both volunteered at the same queer youth organization. Its motto is Fearlessly Be Yourself!

Of course the motto is apt - nobody (human) wants young people living in fear of violence, rejection, harassment, or any of the other crap flung at queer youth.

But we both encountered a problem with how the motto was sometimes interpreted. Sometimes people at the organization would do something against the house norms, and their defense would sound something like this: "What's the problem? I'm just fearlessly being myself!" There was generally a defiant note to it.

Classic maneuvers to avoid really dealing with heterosexism

This post is based on Sixteen maneuvers to avoid really dealing with racism by Holly at Feministe. Love that post and the amazing discussion that follows.

The same maneuvers are used to avoid dealing with other forms of oppression. They get adapted based on the specific form of oppression – racism, sexism, or whatever. But it’s really all the same BS. Here are my adaptations for heterosexism

I’ve added a few maneuvers to Holly’s list. Some were lifted from the comments to her post, some were inspired by those comments, and some I’ve picked up along the way but can’t remember when or from whom

Also, for those who don’t spend all their attention on gender and sexuality: Transgender means someone who doesn’t fit within society’s gender binary of male and female, for whatever reason. Cisgender means someone who does. They’re often shortened to trans and cis.

The Bootstrap Myth “We're in a post-gay society. Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed, bisexuality is trendy among teenagers, and did you see where the president appointed a gay ambassador? We don't have to worry about anti-gay prejudice anymore. Anyone who works hard can make it in America. And if you struggle it's your own damn fault."

The Shining Example (a variation on the Bootstrap Myth, featuring someone who's magically considered representative of everyone) "Look at me, I'm gay and I'm doing just fine. Look at Ellen, one of the most popular talk show hosts around. If we can do it, anybody can do it... because my/her experience is just like everybody else's."

The Backtrack “Hey, wait a second, that’s not what I meant… I mean… you took my words out of context, don’t make it try to sound like I’m anti-gay!” (can also be: "I'm not really a hater. I only called her a 'he-she' to make sure I got her attention/because she pissed me off/because I was JOKING!")

The Remove the Right To Be Angry “You’re too sensitive… if you weren’t so aggressive, vocal, hostile, angry, or upset, people would listen to you and you wouldn’t get in trouble!”

The Utopian Eye-Gouger “I’m accepting of all genders and sexuality, personally… why can’t we all just ignore gender and sexuality, it’s all just constructed anyways… it’s not like I tangibly benefit from being a cisgender heterosexual person every day or anything! Can’t we all just get along?”

Turning the Tables “You’re being just as bigoted against hetero people, you realize. You’re being bigoted against me right now, you straight-phobic hypocrites!” (Can often come up when a marginalized group wants to have their own space. "How dare you exclude me, the well-meaning straight ally, from your lesbian support group?!")

The Too Late, Already Proved Myself "I'll have you know I worked on Barney Frank's campaign staff in 1986! So I don't wanna hear any complaints about what just came out of my mouth. No young whippersnapper like yourself is gonna tell me I'm not utterly 100% enlightened about gender and sexuality!"

The Good Cis/Hetero Person (not like those obvious phobes!) “Whoa, that guy over there is SUCH a homophobe, unlike me… I know exactly the right things to say and I’m never phobic. By which I mean overtly offensive about it. Hold on, I think I’m going to go spit on that guy. I hate him.”

The Unblemished Family History “Hey, my dad is gay, so it’s not like I, as an individual, get any benefit from heterosexism!”

The Bending Over Backwards (makes you look flexible, but accomplishes little else) “You queer people are so damn enlightened. I agree with everything you say. Because you’re right, of course… not just because I’m guilty and straight and afraid that if I say the wrong thing, you'll call me a well-intended but ignorant ally wannabe!”

The Personal Justification “But I know a gay guy who came on to me/has an open relationship/is totally shallow and self-centered/has wonderful taste in clothing and home decor! And what about my lesbian neighbor who totally loves power tools, was sexually abused as a child, and thinks all men are scum? So as far as I’m concerned, that proves all of my prejudices! Oh yeah, and once my bisexual girlfriend left me for another woman, so that proves bisexuals can't be monogamous. Am I right or am I right?”

The Loophole of Escape “I can’t possibly be a bigot or a homophobe… I’m part of the oppressed due to the fact that I’m a woman!” (or a person of color, poor, young, living with a disability, etc.)

and closely related, but slightly more specific:

It Doesn’t Matter What Comes Out of My Mouth, I'm a Card-Carrying Member “What? I can’t possibly be homophobic. I AM gay. How can I be prejudiced against myself, huh? No, I haven’t heard of internalized homophobia, and I still think gay guys should act like Real Men™!”

The Culture Appropriator (No example for this one. Having trouble thinking of one. Who can help me out?)

The Lean On You When I’m Not Strong “Teach me, help me. I’m just a straight person, so I need your wisdom as a lesbian to show me how not to be a homophobe. Wait, is what I said earlier homophobic? How about this shirt I’m wearing? Can you come with me to this party, so they know how open-minded I am?”

Throwing Up Your Hands “What do you mean I'm part of a heterosexist system no matter how I try to distance myself from it or prove that I think differently?! That's ridiculous... I guess I might as well give up and join Fred Phelps' church!"

And a combination of the two:

The What Do You Mean I Can't Lean On You When I'm Not Strong "I totally stand with you. I just need you to teach me everything I'm doing wrong and how to do it right. What do you mean you're tired/busy/not obligated to help me? What do you mean I'm not your #1 priority/best friend/favorite person? How the hell am I supposed to figure it out if you won't be my special gay guru? You can't just give me a heads up about my heterosexism without also being the tour guide of my journey to enlightenment! Well, I wanted to be your ally, but you just f-cked it up, buddy. Now I'm totally alienated from all gay people and have no interest in trying to be an ally EVER AGAIN!!!"

The Pause for Applause “Unlike all those other cis people out there, I actively support my trans brothers and sisters.” (…) “I work for trans rights and I try to educate other people about transphobia.” (…) “Wait, did you hear me?”

This can also turn ugly: "Well, I never! Here I am trying to help, but do you fall all over yourselves with appreciation? No-o-o-o. Well fine. I was only doing it for you. And now that you're not stroking my ego, I mean, showing the proper appreciation I deeply deserve, I'm done. You deserve whatever oppression you get, the way you treat noble souls such as myself!"

The Smoke and Mirrors “I totally agree. Heterosexism is one system of oppression among many interlocking ones, that specifically awards more privilege and power to all cisgender, straight people, whether they like it or not, and serves to keep the existing power structure in place. Oh… what? You want me to volunteer in a community organization, contribute money, do security for your protest march? Uh… yeah maybe next time, I’ve got to wash my hair tonight. And walk my dog, see the latest episode of Lost, manage my stock portfolio…”

The Penitent Paralysis (will not truly absolve you) “Oh my god… that is so awful. I’m so sorry. Sorry. I can’t imagine what it must be like… I’m sorry. That’s so awful. I feel so bad for you. Sorry.” Or: "Perhaps if I scourge myself regularly, I can atone for my uncleansable privilege."

Whipping Out Your Best Friends “Hey, I’m not a transphobe, OK? Some of my best friends are transsexuals. See?” Best Friend: “Yeah, he's practically one of us!”

The Infallible Resource "Well I know a transsexual friend, and she says tranny all the time, and you can't argue with that! No, I didn't know trans people may disagree about trans issues among themselves. That doesn't make any sense, because trans people are automatically all-knowing about trans stuff, so they couldn't possibly disagree. That's why all I need to do is ask one of them to be sure I'm getting the right answer. Case closed. Now that we've got that settled, want to come with me to protest the ex-gay conference? They trot out these gay people in front of the crowd, except they're all mixed up and they tell everyone how homosexuality is evil and homophobia is Christian love."

If They Just Wouldn't Act Gay “Nobody would target them if they'd just act Normal™/stop flaunting it/not shove their sexuality down everybody's throat! If he wants a promotion, he shouldn't wear that rainbow necklace. By the way, did I remember to tell you all about the guy I went home with last night? He had the cutest butt. He held the door for me AND made sure I orgasmed first. I didn't even have to fake it, like I used to with Johnny. Remember how I told you all about that? Anyways, I think he might be The One..."

Could also be: "All we have to do is show heterosexuals we're Just Like Them™. I hate when people talk like their queer experience has given them any insight into gender, sexuality, or love. Hetero cis society already has all the answers, except for when they think we're not just like them. That's the one thing they're horribly wrong about."

The Tiger Lily “I can’t be heterosexist. I kissed my best friend when we were twelve. So technically I think I'm bisexual, and that makes me exempt. What? You say I spent my teens talking about boys nonstop, have only ever crushed on/dated/fantasized about men, married a man, and have never mentioned that kiss to anyone before in my life? Well, did I tell you I got a funny feeling at the poetry slam, when this one woman was reading her poem? I'm not sure, but I totally think she might have turned me on a little. Unless it was just gas. Anyway, I’m exempt. Oh yeah, and when I was little I liked to climb trees. Gender non-conformists in the house!”

Lost in Translation: “I went to a gay bar/same-sex marriage protest/transgender group's holiday party, and I was like the only straight person there. So now I understand how it feels to be a minority, you know? I can’t be heterosexist. And man, is it ever uncomfortable to be surrounded by all queer people. I totally get it now.”

The Adam Smith “I think trans rights work is essential, and I try to learn about it when I have some time free, but my pet anti-racist issue is also really important and totally urgent, so I’ve got to prioritize my expertise. As long as I focus only on racial discrepancies in the child welfare system/nutrition/the criminal justice system, and let others educate and advocate for trans issues, the invisible hand of social justice will work its magic and we’ll all get free!”

Not Part of the Problem “But I'm not the one bullying gay children! Just because I'm not doing whatever I can doesn't make me a homophobe! You should stop worrying about me and take it up with the bullies!" (also known as, "Why are you pressuring me?!?! I'm on your side, remember? The Republicans are the real enemy of gay rights!")

The Defender of All Things Hetero “I’m gay, and from my experience us gay people are the most prejudiced people on the face of the planet. A poor heterosexual can't even walk down the street without seeing some sex-crazed half-naked gay guy gyrating on a Pride parade float... or some flaming queen saying something catty about his outfit. You people, I mean US people, need to stop blaming the hetero world for our problems. No one is discriminating against us, and we can totally get the same rights as married couples with a couple legal contracts! Stop blaming heteros for your problems and catch up with them! We should be grateful to even be part of this society and we should imitate what makes them successful.”

And, a bonus super-maneuver that avoids dealing with heterosexism for an entire organization or community at once:

Not a Problem in Our Community “Homosexuality is a white/American/urban/unsaved thing. There's no homosexual people in our community/church/school/country. We really don't have to worry about it."

"Did you know Jews played a very important role in the Civil Rights Movement? That's right, we did! So obviously we're wonderful friends to Black people, and racism really has never been a problem in the Jewish community. By the way, did you hear about Aaron Goldberg?" (lowers voice to a whisper) "He just got engaged to a black woman!" (A shout out to my grandma, who I completely adore, and who taught me that kind of thing should be communicated in a whisper.)

The We Already Jumped Through Your Hoop, Buddy"We have a genuine, bona fide, transgender person right on our board of directors! And you STILL won't get off our backs!"

Rah rah.

So I've had this idea percolating for a while.

I've been thinking about the human need to puff ourselves up and put others down. And not only do we do it as individuals - we associate ourselves with others, and then elevate our group above others.

"I really am awfully glad I'm a Beta."

I mean, objectively, it's not like the Ohio State Buckeyes are so much better than any other school's sports teams. In fact, if you asked me what makes OSU the best, I couldn't give you a thoughtful answer. The only reason they're the greatest is because they were "my team." My grandparents grew up in Ohio, and they ended up attending Ohio State. I grew up in Ohio and ended up identifying with OSU too.

I've thought of that with regard to religion a lot, too. Everyone thinks they've got the inside line on The Truth. But it's not like their religion's just so damn convincing compared to all the others. People raised Muslim tend to favor Islam. People raised by Mormons tend to favor Mormonism. It's not exactly objective. There's no blind taste test that shows one's better than the other. I daresay most of us don't even know enough to really have an opinion on other people's religions.

Last but not least: patriotism. I was born in the U.S. I've spent my life here. I don't know enough about most other countries to really say this is better or worse. I don't know what freedoms most countries enjoy, how their economic systems work, or much else about them. Not an expert.

When I hear people shouting, "U-S-A! U-S-A!" I have to wonder... is this just their version of the Ohio State Buckeyes? I can't imagine most of them have thoughtful reasons for preferring the U.S.

But here's the thing. At the end of the day, if you ask me why the Buckeyes are better than Michigan, I'd admit it's not a rational thing. Almost anyone would. We can see that. It's just a game we play where whichever team is my team, that's the best team. Case closed.

I don't think many people have the self-awareness to say, "Oh yeah, take my fervent patriotism with a grain of salt... it's not all about the U.S. being objectively better than other countries. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, and maybe it's not that simple. I don't really know enough to judge. It just has a special place in my heart. And if I were Swiss, I'd feel the same way about Switzerland."

I especially don't think many people chanting "U-S-A!" have that self-awareness. If they did, they probably wouldn't want to reduce their patriotism to the equivalent of "Go Bucks!"